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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28243374">Dear Waverly</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/idk_books/pseuds/idk_books'>idk_books</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Wynonna Earp (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Baking, Barbecue, Birthday, Broken Bones, Cake, Christmas, F/F, Guitar, Halloween, Legends of Tomorrow - Freeform, Letters, Reading, Thanksgiving, Writing, Yearning, lonely, supergirl - Freeform, tv</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 17:55:00</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,922</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28243374</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/idk_books/pseuds/idk_books</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Nicole Haught’s girlfriend, best friend and best friend’s baby daddy have found themselves stuck - temporarily everyone hopes - in The Garden of Eden whilst Nicole finds herself stuck at The Homestead with a broken leg and a newly adopted teenager. Fear of losing track of what Waverly’s missing out on (and restlessness brought on by being immobile) find Nicole discovering a new way of trying to keep her girlfriend close to her: letter writing.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Nicole Haught &amp; Rachel Valdez (Wynonna Earp TV), Nicole Haught &amp; Randy Nedley, Waverly Earp/Nicole Haught, Wynonna Earp &amp; Nicole Haught, Wynonna Earp &amp; Rachel Valdez</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>57</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Part 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This seemed like a good idea when I started but keeping track of eighteen months (three weeks and four days) is a lot harder than I thought! I apologise for any inconsistencies! Although I've just called the months month 1, 2, 3 etc as nobody said explicitly when they went into The Garden, it'll be fairly clear from some of the letters which months are which!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong> <b>Month 1</b></strong>
</p><p>
  <span class="u">Day Four</span>
</p><p>Dear Waverly,</p><p>So I’ve decided to start writing letters to you as you’re not here to talk to right now. I’m really hoping you’ll think it’s adorable instead of the beginnings of my decline into insanity. I kind of think writing cutesy letters is more you’re thing but I’m trying. I treasure all of the cards and notes that you’ve left me so I hope this goes some way to matching them. Although I’m never going to have your way words. Whatever you do though, please don’t tell Wynonna. I really don’t think I could take any more wisecracks from her.  </p><p>It’s been four days since you went into The Garden and I know it’s kind of pathetic but I really miss you. I think this is the longest we’ve ever been apart. I guess it’s a bit weird that I’m writing to you but I need something to take my mind off my leg. I also want to make sure I write down everything you’re missing out on. I know what you’re like with FOMO. Did Wynonna tell you I broke my leg? I kind of fell three floors through a vent in the floor. It hurt like a motherfucker but I’ve been told it should heal up fine. I wish you were here to help take care of me though. I could do with something to distract me from how much the cast itches… I’m oddly excited to have people sign it even though Wynonna has promised to draw dicks all over it. Might be a bit off brand for me.</p><p>Also, did Wynonna tell you about Rachel? We found her at the BBD facility and even though she tried to kill us, she turned out to be pretty cool. She didn’t really have anywhere to go so I said she could stay at The Homestead. I hope that’s ok? I’m staying here too. I wanted to keep it safe for you. I’ve always felt safer here anyway. I think it’s the ammolite. Or maybe it’s just because of how much of you is here.</p><p>I love you. Come home soon,</p><p>Nicole</p><p>
  <span class="u">Day Twenty</span>
</p><p>Dear Waverly,</p><p>It’s been nearly three weeks now. I’d hoped you’d be back by now but I’m guessing it must be harder to escape The Garden than everyone thought. It’s not like many people have done it before. My leg’s healing up a bit now; I can hobble around The Homestead but I still need crutches if I go any further. Rachel’s proved to be a great help though. I’ve been showing her how to set traps and leave them around the perimeter. The ammolite isn’t as good as it used to be at keeping stuff out but I don’t think our problems have anything to do with revenants.</p><p>I could really do with you back here, and Doc and Wynonna. Jeremy’s nowhere to be seen, not since Wynonna drugged us (still pissed about that). I really thought he’d have come to find me by now. I don’t even know if he’s aware of what’s happened. Obviously I haven’t seen Robin either. I hope they’re together. And safe.</p><p>Nedley’s gone too. I know he’s retired but I didn’t think that would mean I would never see him again. It kind of feels as if I’ve lost everyone. At least I’ve still got Rachel. I never thought I’d end up holed up with a teenager I barely know. I’m still kind of wary of them after the whole Maeve thing but Rachel’s yet to try and possess me so she must be alright.</p><p>I have to keep telling myself I’m tough. I survived a massacre after all so you could say I’ve handled worse than this but I didn’t do any of those things alone. It’s hard thinking about tackling anything without you at my side. I really hope you’re back soon.</p><p>I love you,</p><p>Nicole</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong> <b>Month 2</b> </strong>
</p><p>
  <span class="u">Day Thirty-Five</span>
</p><p>Dear Waverly,</p><p>When I started these letters, I thought I’d write every day but I thought you’d be gone for less than a week so 5 letters seemed manageable but then you were gone for longer and I thought I better ration them. Nothing much has been happening so I’ve been saving up news. There are little post-its everywhere and I’ve kind of hoped that you’ll walk through the door and gather up the post-its yourself.</p><p>I’ve been trying to hold off writing to you. Every morning I tell myself that today’s the day you’ll be back. It means that every night I go to bed disappointed but I have to keep clinging on to that hope. It’s been over a month now. I’m holding it together but it’s getting harder. Rachel helps though. I think she might be here to stay. It would definitely be a cruel move to kick her out as soon as you’re all back. I realise I haven’t really told you about her. Although I guess after thirty-five days with Wynonna, she’s probably filled you in on a lot. Just in case she missed Rachel out of the story, I’ll quickly update you: Rachel’s mom is Gloria Valdez and she worked for BBD and managed to create a portal into The Garden. Sadly she died and Rachel ended up living at the abandoned facility. Jeremy - before he disappeared - carved ‘Valdez’ into the stairs and that’s how we tracked down the BBD facility and the portal (you really need to get some pens). And found Rachel (and I broke my leg). She’s been alone for so long and we both need company so I’m glad to have her around and I hope she feels the same. She’s only sixteen and makes me feel super old but she’s cool. Really good at setting traps too. Naturally I’ve told her all about you and she’s really excited to meet you.</p><p>My leg’s still pretty fucked up so I’m still just hobbling about and not getting much further than the perimeter. This means I’ve had no hope of looking for Jeremy or Robin or Nedley. I really thought they’d have come to check in by now. I’ve sent texts and left voice mails but have heard nothing.</p><p>Rachel’s heard rumours of a Sheriff’s election when she’s been in Purgatory. I’m guessing my prolonged absence has given the impression that the situation is now vacant. We’ll see about that. My leg will be fixed soon anyway.</p><p>I love you,</p><p>Nicole</p><p>
  <span class="u">Day Forty-Seven</span>
</p><p>Dear Waverly,</p><p>So. I’m not sheriff any more. There’s this new magistrate and I don’t like to speak badly of women in power but she’s quite a bitch. She made sure that her brother was elected. Talk about keeping it in the family. There’s been no word on his police experience but I think it’s fairly equal to her experience as magistrate. I did try to campaign but it’s hard to campaign when you can’t really walk and you’re too scared to leave home for any length of time. Not scared exactly but it feels like there’s so much coming for us and I need to be here to fight it all off. I never want to leave Rachel for too long anyway.</p><p>Things are definitely changing around here and it’s not just the new sheriff. I always felt safe here in Purgatory (I realise the ridiculousness of that statement considering everything that we’ve faced but I hope you know what I mean) but not so much any more. The traps are doing their job but we keep finding more and more things in them and it’s not just woodland creatures who got waylaid. You’re not going to believe this, or maybe you will as you’re currently trapped in The Garden of Eden, but there are monsters in Purgatory. It seems that a lot more was opened than just the entrance when Bulshar ended the curse.</p><p>In other news, Rachel has started making Kombucha. Don’t tell her this, but I think I prefer the monsters. I don’t really know what it is exactly but she’s so proud of it and she keeps telling about all the health benefits so I keep drinking it. It’s not fixed my leg though. However, I do get my cast off next week and I am so ready. I am kind of gutted that only Rachel got to sign it. I can’t help imagining it with dicks all over it - Wynonna’s promised decoration - and hearts and unicorns from you and what ever Doc decides is his trademark… a moustache maybe. I’m ready for it to be gone though. I’ll be able to walk properly at last and make up for all the time I’ve wasted.</p><p>&lt;3 Nicole</p><p>
  <strong>  </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <b>Month 3</b> </strong>
</p><p>
  <span class="u">Day Sixty-One</span>
</p><p>Dear Waverly,</p><p>It’s been two months now. Two months since you went into The Garden now and Doc and Wynonna disappeared too. I never thought we’d be apart for this long. I never wanted to even think about it so I never imagined how hard it’d be. I guess it’s just as well I didn’t try to write every day. But I keep telling myself that you’ll be home. Any day now, you’ll be back in my arms. My cast is off so I can really sweep you off your feet. Maybe that’s what you were waiting for. Hell, I’d even sweep Wynonna and Doc up too.</p><p>The new Sheriff’s been making same changes in Purgatory, or at least that’s what I’ve heard. I don’t really go down there even though my leg’s better. They’ve put the whole of the Ghost River Triangle under quarantine. I think it’s been like that for a while but the impact is becoming more and more obvious. Nobody’s said why but it’s clear it’s because of all the monsters. They’re not even trying to cover it up. They’re just making sure none of them get out.</p><p>I really feel like Jeremy would be able to explain what’s going on in his irritatingly enthusiastic way. I’ve been looking for him and Nedley. Friends are few and far between so I really hope I find them soon. Especially Nedley. I could really do with someone to take the reins for a bit.</p><p>Love, Nicole<span class="u"></span></p><p>
  <span class="u">Day Seventy-Five</span>
</p><p>Dear Waverly,</p><p>This new quarantine is really starting to have an impact on supplies. We’re not completely shut in: non-monsters can still get in and out but it has slowed down imports especially as deliveries keep being attacked by all the things that are out there. I guess in my privileged way, I never thought I’d have to worry about food shortages but things are really changing. Unfortunately Rachel’s still been able to make Kombucha so we’re still getting those microbes. It’s still gross. I can’t bring myself to tell her that but I wish she’d gotten really into baking. I miss really good cake. I’ve been watching reruns of The Great British Baking Show but it kind of makes me sad as we used to watch it together on those rare lazy mornings. I just really miss you. And cake. I think it’d be hard to get eggs at the moment, not very vegan I know but we kind of have to take what we can get. I’m not sure I trust myself with the limited supplies to try baking though. I don’t want to waste anything. That’s why I really need to get Rachel on the case.</p><p>In less cake related news, the monsters are still here and there seems to be more of them every day. There’s one in particular that keeps coming back to The Homestead despite all of the traps we’ve got. I’m started to feel pretty singled out and I don’t know what to do about it. The traps seem so flimsy in comparison to it and never actually seem to have an impact. I’m just glad my cast is off now so I can fight it off and keep everything safe. Or try to.</p><p>Love, Nicole</p><p>
  <span class="u">Day Eighty-Three</span>
</p><p>Dear Waverly,</p><p>I went into Purgatory with Rachel this week. I’d been avoiding it for ages and I couldn’t believe how much had changed. I almost wish I hadn’t gone. It was like going back in time; the mob has truly taken over. I think perhaps the biggest and most upsetting change was at Shorty’s. Shorty’s is no longer the comforting watering hole that it used to be. You know, the pool table with the placenta stains and the one good stool that doesn’t threaten to collapse every time you sit on it? That’s all gone now. Instead it’s a juice bar which is a turn no one could have expected. It really seems at odds with what’s happened to the rest of the town. They have posters proclaiming the health benefits of all these vitamins that not even I have heard of. It’s weird. I just wanted a beer. I think Wynonna will actually cry when she sees it and Doc… Doc will probably just collapse on the spot. There are other changes too. Changes way worse than removing beer from a bar but I’m not sure I’m ready to tell you about that yet.</p><p>Nicole x</p><p>
  <strong>  </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <b>Month 4</b> </strong>
</p><p>
  <span class="u">Day Ninety</span>
</p><p>Dear Waverly,</p><p>Rachel’s got us watching this show called ‘Stranger Things’ and let me tell you, it hits a little to close to home. It’s about a bunch of people who live in a town plagued by monsters. Seemed an odd choice of viewing but I guess it’s her way of dealing with it all. The kids dealing with the monsters are much younger than us and they don’t have guns so I like to think we do much better. It’s no ‘Golden Girls’ but it’s good to expand my cultural horizons or at least that’s what Rachel said. She won’t let me expand her cultural horizons though… not yet anyway although I have caught her watching along with the ‘The Great British Baking Show’ though. I’m still hoping she’ll be inspired. I’m so done with Kombucha.</p><p>I went back to my house yesterday. I wanted to get some more clothes as most of my stuff is winter gear and now it’s virtually summer, I thought it was time I updated my wardrobe. I also wanted to check in on Calamity Jane. That was really the main reason for going but there was no sign of her. I should have gone to get her sooner. Maybe she’s with Nedley. I hope she’s with Nedley. I swear he loved that cat more than me. I haven’t found him either and I need him. The shit that’s going on here is far too big for me to handle. Rachel told me that they’ve started hanging people. There are bodies are just hanging out in the street. It’s like lynchings or something. God knows what the new sheriff is doing. Or maybe it was his idea all along.</p><p>God I miss you. It’s been nearly three months now. I never thought you’d be in The Garden this long. I never thought I’d be without you for this long. I just want to wrap you up in my arms and never let go. I feel like everything would be ok - even what’s happening in Purgatory - if you were here.</p><p>All my love, as always, Nicole</p><p>
  <span class="u">Day Ninety-Seven</span>
</p><p>Dear Waverly,</p><p>I’ve started to really miss Dolls. I mean, I always miss him but now more than ever, I wish he was here. I know he wouldn’t have gone into The Garden. He’d have left all that to Doc and Wynonna and would have stuck around and helped hold the fort with me. If he were here, I wouldn’t feel so responsible. I wouldn’t feel so alone and he’d probably be able to come up with a plan. I haven’t got a plan other than to just keep going. We’ve got a routine going with all of the traps and everything but it just keeps things at bay, we never actually achieve anything. I go into the woods and I look for Peacemaker and I look for the stairs and I look for Calamity and Nedley but there’s never anything there. Dolls was clever. And he was BBD. He would know what to do. He would be able to explain what was happening in Purgatory and maybe even do something to stop it. I haven’t been able to do any of that. I’m too scared to go into Purgatory now. I send Rachel in for supplies. She’s young and innocuous. I just get strange looks. I was the crazy bitch who used to be sheriff and now lurks in the woods with straggly hair and wild eyes.</p><p>Speaking of hair, did I tell you I’m growing it out? It’s not really a choice; I just haven’t been able to get it cut. Rachel’s offered to try but she also keeps saying how good I’d look with bangs so I’m not sure it’s a risk I’m willing to take. I imagine your hair’s super long now, unless they have hairdressers in the garden. Or if everything just stops growing when you’re there. I guess I’ll find out eventually.</p><p>We got through all three seasons of Stranger Things. It gets a little bit gay at the end. Not much. But enough. We’re still trying to decide what to binge next. I think we’re just going to keep going with The Baking Show. Rachel has stopped pretending to not be interested and I think she’s a fan but there’s been no cake yet. I remain optimistic. I don’t want to watch too much though. It feels too weird watching it without you.</p><p>Maybe by the time you get back, Rachel will have baked a cake. I’ll make sure it’s vegan. It’s not like we can get eggs anyway.</p><p>Nicole</p><p>
  <span class="u">Day One Hundred</span>
</p><p>Dear Waverly,</p><p>It’s a big day today. It’s officially one hundred days since I last saw you. I can’t quite believe it and I’m not sure that I want to. I don’t think there’s much else to say as it was only the other day that I wrote but I wanted to do something to memorialise this day. Maybe Rachel will make a cake.</p><p>I really don’t want to get to two hundred days without you. I don’t even want to get to day 101.</p><p>Come back soon (or now),</p><p>Nicole</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Part 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>As Nicole begins her fifth month without Waverly, she carries on writing letters because there really isn't much else to do. The absence of the love of her life really starts to hit as key events start to rear their head.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>
    <b>Month 5</b>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">Day One Hundred and Twenty-Three</span>
</p>
<p>Dear Waverly,</p>
<p>It’s definitely summertime. The days are almost at their longest and it’s certainly much warmer, even by Purgatory’s standards. I no longer need to wear a sweater. The other day I even wore shorts but my legs were so pale they were almost translucent. You never know, I might even get a tan with all the time I spend patrolling the perimeter and setting traps. Who am I kidding? I’m a red-head. I’m never going to get a tan although that would be quite the surprise for you when you get back. My hair’s really growing too. At this rate you’ll hardly recognise me. Perhaps I’ll have to start wearing it in a braid like the early days…</p>
<p>It’s easy to feel more hopeful when the sun is shining but I’m always aware of exactly how long it’s been since I last saw you and it’s always too long. Get home soon before the weather turns again.</p>
<p>Nicole x</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">Day One Hundred and Thirty-Seven</span>
</p>
<p>Dear Waverly,</p>
<p>Big news! Rachel finally made a cake. It was actually good. She had to improvise some of the ingredients and she’s now talking about making a kombucha cake so we need to watch some more Baking Show so she really sees all the other options. I have suggested she try a vegan cake for when you’re back. You will be back soon hopefully.</p>
<p>She’s starting to stockpile ingredients now that supplies are easier to get hold of. I swear you could build a fort out of all the toilet paper we have. And now that we’ve got more baking stuff, I’m tempted to risk making a cake. Rachel’s inspired me and now that I’m unemployed, I may as well start developing new skills.</p>
<p>Nicole</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">Day One Hundred and Forty-One</span>
</p>
<p>Dear Waves,</p>
<p>I’m a bit nervous about telling you this but I’m hoping you’ll forgive me (us). You know we’ve been setting all of those traps around The Homestead? Well most of the time they do their job and just trap monsters (or nothing at all) but yesterday they trapped a deer. It must have got lost and wandered onto the perimeter. By the time we found it, it was already dead and food is hard to find at the moment so today… today we had a barbecue. The weather’s been really nice and the days have been longer so we thought we’d make an evening of it. It was the first time I’ve come close to enjoying myself since you went. In a way, I guess it’s for the best that you’re not here as there’s no way I could have enjoyed the barbecue with you staring at me with those beautiful disapproving eyes of yours. Doc and Wynonna would have loved it. I even risked baking a cake and do you know what? It was actually edible. And there was no kombucha to be seen. I guess now I can saw I eat <span class="u">mostly</span> vegan.</p>
<p>Nicole x</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">Day One Hundred and Forty-Eight</span>
</p>
<p>Dear Waverly,</p>
<p>Although supplies have been slightly easier to come by, they’ve started limiting the power. Outages have become more and more frequent so much so that it feels that the power’s more off than on. It’s a good job we got to the end of The Baking Show (sorry about that but I’ll always be down for a rewatch). Now there isn’t much else for me and Rachel to do other than talk - when we’re not setting traps that is. We sit out on the porch and just swap stories. For someone who’s only sixteen, she really has lived quite a life. Some of the stories almost match some of the many that I have to tell. She has so far been completely unphased by all of the demon tales and just wants to know more about the people, especially you. I guess with her mom having the job she did, she may well have heard all about the monsters already.</p>
<p>I’m just waiting for her to get fed up with how much I gush about you. Sometimes I even gush about Doc and Wynonna. She is so excited to meet Doc. You can warn him to be on his truest gun slinging behaviour when you get back.</p>
<p>Nicole x</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <b>Month 6</b>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">Day One Hundred and Fifty-Two</span>
</p>
<p>Dear Waverly,</p>
<p>Our personal monster’s not giving up. Do you remember him? And there are even more creatures too. Despite the quarantine, people are leaving hand over fist and the people who are staying are the ones we really don’t want staying. The sheriff department is running itself with the help of a healthy dose of mob justice and it’s really scary. There are even more bodies hanging from the main road and it’s all we can do to keep everything off the homestead. I sometimes worry if the monsters are the least of our worries. I couldn’t even name some of the things we’ve found in the traps. I bet you could though. Yet another reason for me to wish that you were here.</p>
<p>Nicole</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">Day One Hundred and Sixty-Five</span>
</p>
<p>Dear Waverly,</p>
<p>Maybe don’t tell Wynonna, (I’m hoping she won’t notice) but I’ve been fixing up The Homestead. She always seemed to like the ramshackle effect but you know what they say about lesbians and power tools. The bannister now has all its railings. Rachel persuaded me to leave the Valdez carved into the stairs. I can’t remember if I told you about that particular act of vandalism but after Wynonna drugged us (still pissed about that), Jeremy carved it into the wall so Wynonna would know who to look for. We’ve now got pens so if someone else gets sent to The Garden, they can just leave a note. We also got paper - I know you have loads of notebooks but they were so pristine that we didn’t want to touch them. I’d been writing these letters on the backs of police reports I’d managed to smuggle out but now I’ve got paper dedicated to the task. I hope you like it. Rachel even found some with little unicorns around the border. It’s cute, right?</p>
<p>Before the internet started going all wonky (a fun side-effect of limited electricity), I thought about switching to email. I knew The Garden was unlikely to have good signal but I thought it’d be a nice thing for you to have when you got back. But then I started doubting that they would send properly and I got more honest and I wanted to have a bit of control over what you see. I want you to just know the good bits. I want you to know that I missed you more than anything but I was ok. I don’t want want you to feel bad for doing what you had to do.</p>
<p>Nicole</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">Day One Hundred and Seventy-Eight</span>
</p>
<p>Dear Waverly,</p>
<p>Sad news: there’s no more almond milk. Rachel had been getting as much as she could whenever she went into town but the supplies are no more. I don’t know whether they decided to stop bringing it in because we were the only ones buying it or if Purgatory has had a sudden upsurge in people wanting to go plant-based. I think we both know which one is more likely. I think you’ll just have to cope with black coffee when you get back. Unless they manage to get things restocked before you return but I really hope you return sooner than the milk. You’ll be pleased to hear that I can’t bring myself to get regular milk which is making cereal pretty interesting.</p>
<p>In other quarantine news, neither of us can face sleeping alone. I especially don’t want to sleep in our - your - bed without you so we’ve just been camping out in the living room. It started out being almost fun, like having a sleepover every night, but now it’s just our normal. It just feels much safer sleeping on the couch with another human nearby. I just wish that human was you.</p>
<p>Nicole</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    
  </strong>
  <strong>
    <b>Month 7</b>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">Day One Hundred and Ninety-Three</span>
</p>
<p>Dear Waverly,</p>
<p>I can’t believe you and Wynonna missed your birthdays. I hope you were able to celebrate, in a way. Although I wonder if you even knew it was your birthday. I’m sorry I didn’t write on the big day. I wanted to be able to say all of the things I had to say in person. It really would have been the perfect day for you to have come home. We could have had the Earpiest party ever. I was even excited about getting drunk with Wynonna. But neither of you were there.</p>
<p>I know it’s not because you’re not trying but I wish there was something I could do. I just feel stuck in the same old cycle where I do all the things I need to do just to keep going but I never actually make it anywhere. But this isn’t about me. This is about you. And your birthday. I know how much it matters to you because nobody remembered your birthday when you were a kid. I’ll always remember your birthday and I’ll always remember how incredible you are right from the first moment I saw you in Shorty’s. Rachel got balloons. She’s started talking about how she feels she knows you already. I can’t wait for you to meet her. I’m sure you’ll love her. I sometimes worry that she’ll get bored of all the stories that I’ve been telling her. She’s a very polite listener though and I want to keep talking because I don’t want to forget a single thing about you.</p>
<p>I couldn’t bring myself to blow up the balloons though. It seemed like a waste without you here. We saved some cake. Rachel wanted to put a candle in it but it didn’t feel right. I’ve saved the candle for when you get back too.</p>
<p>Happy Birthday,</p>
<p>I love you,</p>
<p>Nicole.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">Day Two Hundred and Two</span>
</p>
<p>Dear Waverly,</p>
<p>All of your books have been staring at me. It was almost like they were challenging me and I finally succumbed. You’d be so proud! Unsurprisingly I skipped the one on cattle branding - I can’t imagine when you’d ever need that - but I did find some Jane Austen which has a much better plot although I’m not sure I can relate to the plight of any of the heroines: difficulty finding a husband has never been a concern of mine. I can see why 15 year old Waverly liked them though… until her eyes were opened ;) I’ve started looking for something less corset heavy though. And maybe with a few less proposals as I don’t like to be reminded too often of that question that I never answered. I could find myself reading about cattle branding before I know it. I’m really gonna need you to come home to save me from that!</p>
<p>Nicole x</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <b>Month 8</b>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">Day Two Hundred and Fifteen</span>
</p>
<p>Dear Waverly,</p>
<p>I had to go back home again. It feels weird saying that. I don’t really think of it as home any more, home is now The Homestead. I didn’t think I’d be going back after the last time but it’s getting colder and I still haven’t got all the right gear and there’s no way I’m struggling through the winter without all my toques. It’s pretty cold there. And dusty too. Maybe I should have cleared up a bit but there didn’t seem to be much point. I just filled a bag with as much thermal gear as I could and left. I didn’t want to hang around too much. There are too many memories of things that I’ve lost there. Not least Calamity Jane. I remember finding that place when I first got the job and it seemed perfect. I had so much hope for what that place would become and it’s just a shell of that potential. Much like me. But at least now I’ll be warm.</p>
<p>Nicole x</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">Day Two Hundred and Twenty-Four</span>
</p>
<p>Dear Waverly,</p>
<p>I thought I’d tidy your closet. I hope you don’t mind. I got worried about moths although I think that’s a worry that’s come from reading all of your old books. I’m still keeping my stuff on a chair even though pretty much all of it is here now. I know you wouldn’t mind if I put my clothes in there with yours but I’d rather be able to ask you. My stuff would look a bit out of place next to all of your pink and fluffy stuff at the moment anyway: lots of flannel and camo. Very lesbian.</p>
<p>Rachel came back from Purgatory with a guitar this morning. Sadly she forgot the coffee that was top of the list I’d given her. She’s already started teaching herself and it sounded pretty horrible to begin with but then she worked out how to tune it and now it seems that she’s got quite a knack for it. It’s nice to hear her strum along: it reminds me that I’m not alone here. I think she’s a lot more talented than she lets on. It’s a shame she’s just stuck here with me with nowhere for her to actually direct her talents.</p>
<p>I often think I should send her to school. She is only sixteen so really it’s where she should be going. The truth is though, I’m not sure I want her to leave for that long every day. She’s invaluable on so many levels not just because she’s taught me all about TikTok. I’ll have to get her to show you it when you’re back. It’s not something I can really do justice to in a letter.</p>
<p>Come home soon,</p>
<p>Nicole</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">Day Two Hundred and Thirty-One</span>
</p>
<p>Dear Waverly,</p>
<p>It’s Canadian Thanksgiving. It’s funny. I was never one for celebrating it before I met you. It always struck me as a family affair and family was never something I felt particularly thankful for until I found you, and every one else, and I realised that family can be something you find instead of just being stuck with. Suddenly I had so much to be grateful for. I also love any excuse to eat until I can’t move.</p>
<p>It’s obviously a bit different now not just because so many people are missing. It’s so hard to get a lot of stuff that Rachel and I attempted to cobble something together that resembled a Thanksgiving feast but we could get none of the things we needed so we gave up. We’re just having pasta. It’s pretty much our staple now and it always was the peak of my cooking abilities (aside from that one time I made a cake for the barbecue). Your cooking is another of the many reasons I wish you were here.</p>
<p>Maybe when you get back, we can have a do-over for Thanksgiving as well as the birthdays. I’ll definitely have a lot to be thankful for then. And I’ll see if I can replicate my cake!</p>
<p>Thanksgiving reminds me that it’s getting closer to Christmas. I don’t want to think about Christmas, or anything else, without you or Wynonna or Doc. I started thinking about gifts for you all even before you went into The Garden. I think Rachel can be persuaded to attempt a proper Christmas dinner with enough prompting so that’ll be worth coming back for. As long as she doesn’t try and make gravy from Kombucha or something weird like that.</p>
<p>Nicole x</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">Day Two Hundred and Forty-One</span>
</p>
<p>Dear Waverly,</p>
<p>It’s Halloween although you’d find it hard to tell from the absence of decorations. I think Purgatory’s struggling to see the fun in trick or treating when we’ve had more than our fair share of tricks over the past six months. Has it really been that long? It’s funny because I’ve been thinking about my costume since last year: I was going to go as She-Ra. I know you’ve have loved that. I guess I’ll have to save it for next year. I’m missing a sword anyway. Speaking of which, I’ve not stopped looking for Peacemaker. No luck yet though. Must be with Nedley and Calamity Jane. And Jeremy and Robin.</p>
<p>Rachel did somehow manage to track down a pumpkin. I’ve got no idea how though but she spent the afternoon carving it. I think she just wanted an excuse not to check the traps. That joy was left to me and it was super cold and dark. It was worth it though. The pumpkin was incredible - I took many photos - as was the pumpkin pie it swiftly became.</p>
<p>She was keen to watch a scary film but I really couldn’t hack it. Escapism seemed a lot more preferable to being scared shitless as that’s our every day anyway. We just watched The Baking again and it was perfect. Well, not quite perfect because you’re not here but as close as we’re going to get at the moment.</p>
<p>Nicole</p>
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  </strong>
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<p>
  <strong>
    <b>Month 9</b>
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<p>
  <span class="u">Day Two Hundred and Forty-Eight</span>
</p>
<p>Dear Waverly,</p>
<p>Desperate times call for desperate measures: Rachel and I dusted off the Monopoly set. We found where you’d hidden it after the time Wynonna nearly strangled Doc when he sent her to jail. It’s so dark a lot of the time that there isn’t much to do other than check the traps and hope the power doesn’t go out. I know I’m terrible at board games but I’m really hoping that’s going to change. I’ve got the whole winter to practise. I’m yet to win but I haven’t given up hope. Playing with Rachel is much less risky than with Wynonna. At least that seems to be the case. It helps that I’ve lost every time so even if she has a competitive side, she hasn’t had the chance to show it. You’re going to come back and find a completely new Nicole: one who reads books and can win a board game. Maybe not win… but survive to the end.</p>
<p>I hope you’re ready!</p>
<p>Nicole x</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">Day Two Hundred and Sixty-Six</span>
</p>
<p>Dear Waverly,</p>
<p>When Wynonna comes back, she’s going to need to be careful. Chrissy’s on the warpath. Nedley still hasn’t been found and word has got out that Wynonna was the last person to be seen with her. It’s reached the point where Chrissy thinks Wynonna must have killed him and then gone on the run. She won’t be told otherwise and there’s part of me that can’t blame her. Everything’s gone nuts so it figures that Chrissy’s gone the same way. I’m hearing all of this from Rachel - I’m still not a fan of heading into Purgatory - but nobody quite knows who she is so she’s been getting the gossip from all sides.</p>
<p>There’s not much else to report on. Life just plods on with trap checks and board games and pasta dinners. And a constant nagging ache in my chest that only comes from missing you.</p>
<p>I guess we’ve just got to hope that Nedley turns up before Wynonna.</p>
<p>Nicole x</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Part 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Nicole’s been on her own for almost a year and still no sign of Waverly. Christmas comes and goes and with the arrival of a new year, she starts to doubt that things will ever get back to the way that they were.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>
    <b>Month 10</b>
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</p><p>
  <span class="u">Day Two Hundred and Eighty-Nine</span>
</p><p>Dear Waverly,</p><p>Can you believe it’s almost Christmas? I guess you might not know that it is. How does time work in the Garden of Eden? You might not even have a way of keeping track. Anyway, that’s not important. But you do have a week to make it back. I’m sure they’ll understand. It is Jesus’ birthday after all. Or is that too New Testament for the Garden? It was bad enough celebrating your birthday without you. I don’t even want to think about Christmas without you.</p><p>I thought about calling Mom and Dad. That’s how lonely I’ve been. Seeing Rachel really grieve her mom - this is her first Christmas knowing that she’s really gone - made me wonder if I’d been too hard on my own family. Rachel would clearly do anything to have her mom back and I actively have nothing to do with mine. I guess I just feel guilty. But then I remembered that I’ve chosen my family and they’re the best family you could ever wish for. I just hope they come back soon.</p><p>Love, Nicole</p><p>
  <span class="u">Day Two Hundred and Ninety-Seven</span>
</p><p>Dear Waverly,</p><p>So you didn’t quite make it back for Christmas unless you’re hoping to surprise us at the eleventh hour. Happy Christmas anyway! I know you’d be here if you could but I wish I could say that to you in person. Just think, if things were different, this could have been our first Christmas as an engaged couple. Classic Wynonna, always interrupting at crucial moments. I hope you know what the answer would have been, will always be.</p><p>We just had a quiet day although to be honest, we didn’t have the option to do anything other than that. Rachel did insist on cooking us a proper Christmas lunch and it was much more successful than Thanksgiving. I think lessons were learned from then and the powers that be made sure that supplies were far more readily available. It turns out, having the right ingredients makes Rachel a phenomenal cook. It was almost as good as last year (but don’t tell her that, I told her it was better. I think she could do with a boost). Her gift for me (aside from lunch) was a mug and I let her win at monopoly, not that I had to try especially hard. I wanted to get her a proper gift, something meaningful but I think she was just glad not to be alone.</p><p>Nicole</p><p>PS. I didn’t want to say but I found the gifts you left me. I didn’t open them though. I’m going to save them for when you’re back. I’ve got gifts for you too so we can have a proper do-over.</p><p>
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  <strong>
    <b>Month 11</b>
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  <span class="u">Day Three Hundred and Three</span>
</p><p>Dear Waverly,</p><p>Happy New Year! I never thought I’d be seeing it in without you. I feel like all of my letters are the same now; something happens and I wonder how it’s possible that the thing happened without you here with me. I’d have loved to have had a big party. It really feels like such a long time since we’ve celebrated anything. God. I really do sound like a broken record. Anyway, we’d all have got very drunk. You’d inevitably fall asleep before midnight and Wynonna would attack your face with a sharpie. I might even join in. Even with a dick on your cheek, you’d still look adorable.</p><p>It’s times like these when I wish I’d made more friends when I came to Purgatory. A little group of people whose hobbies weren’t demon hunting would be nice. A shallow support group for me to get shit-faced with and cry about how much I miss you. Some people I could call on for back-up when my real people are AWOL. At least I’ve got Rachel but it would be very irresponsible to get pissed with her given that she’s only sixteen.</p><p>Nicole x</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">Day Three Hundred and Eight</span>
</p><p>Dear Waverly,</p><p>I’m only writing this because I know you’ll be mad if I completely ignore what day it is. I haven’t told Rachel. I know she’d make a fuss and she might even use it as an excuse to make her kombucha cake. It comes out green. Neither of us can figure out why. We’ve known each other nearly a year. The likelihood is that she’s kept quiet about her big day too. Some pseudo-mother I’ve been. I guess we’re more similar than we realise though.</p><p>I found my birthday present when I cleared out your closet. I don’t know why I was surprised that you’re that organised. I couldn’t bring myself to open it. It was the same at Christmas. It doesn’t feel like my birthday without you baking a demon-free cake and Wynonna making up inappropriate words to the Happy Birthday song. We can do it all properly next year and you won’t even need to worry about buying my a gift.</p><p>Today can just be another day we can have a catch up celebration for when you’re back.</p><p>Nicole x</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">Day Three Hundred and Thirty</span>
</p><p>Dear Waverly,</p><p>The new seasons of ‘Legends of Tomorrow’ and ‘Supergirl’ start soon and I really want to watch them but I don’t to make you mad by watching it without you. I’m not sure it’d be the same anyway without you staring open-mouthed at Kara/Supergirl and hoping I won’t notice.</p><p>Rachel’s never seem any of them before so perhaps we’ll start from the beginning and then by the time you get back, we’ll be ready for the next season. I’m always down for a rewatch and I do like an excuse to expand Rachel’s cultural horizons. She owes me after ‘Stranger Things’ anyway.</p><p>Nicole x</p><p>
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  </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    <b>Month 12</b>
  </strong>
</p><p>
  <span class="u">Day Three Hundred and Thirty-Nine</span>
</p><p>Dear Waverly,</p><p>Finally some exciting news: I think Rachel might have a boyfriend. I can’t help but be a little disappointed that she seems to have jumped onto the heterosexual bandwagon but I’m happy for her nonetheless. This is all speculative of course. She’s still a teenager. There’s no way she’s talking to me about that stuff yet. She does keep sneaking off between trap checking and she always comes back with a very telling glow. She always seems to come back with a mug too. I think I know where my Christmas present came from. I keep trying to make polite enquiries but she can see right through me. I’m trying to be cool, like a cool older sister. She’s still very cagey so I think it’s gonna need some work.</p><p>I’ll have to see what happens when it’s Valentines, see if she comes back with a mug full of roses. At least it’ll be something to take my mind off having a Valentines away from you. It’d be great to see you back but I’m learning to not be too hopeful as the disappointment is starting to cut deeper than I can bear.</p><p>Nicole x</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">Day Three Hundred and Forty-Eight</span>
</p><p>Dear Waverly,</p><p>Happy Valentines Day! Yet another holiday that I’m doing on my own. Of course I’m not completely alone but fending off monsters with a teenager wasn’t quite the romantic day that I’d envisioned. You were always so much better at all the romantic stuff than me. I think my peak was all the sorry balloons after you defeated Jolene. Not that those balloons will ever be enough to make up for what you went through.</p><p>February definitely feels much emptier without all of your decorations. Rachel found the box under the stairs but it felt pointless putting them up without you especially as Rachel’s still vehemently insisting she’s single. I tried dropping hints about her maybe boyfriend but she did not bite. I think we’re both just hoping that today will pass as quickly as possible. Just like all of the significant days since you went. Today’s just another day to add to the re-do list for when you’re back. It’s looking like weeks of parties and balloons when you’re finally here.</p><p>Just think, this could have been our first Valentines as an engaged couple… unless you’ve changed your mind. It would have given us even more of an excuse to be nauseatingly romantic. At this point, I even miss being interrupted by Wynonna.</p><p>Nicole x</p><p>
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  <strong>
    <b>Month 13</b>
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  </strong>
  <span class="u">Day Three Hundred and Sixty-Two</span>
</p><p>Dear Waverly,</p><p>I didn’t want to tell you this but I’m starting to doubt whether you’ll ever read these letters anyway; the nightmares are back with a vengeance. Not that they ever went away but they did seem better when you were asleep beside me. For the past year - since you went - I’m not sure I’ve really slept. Since Rachel and I have been camping out in the living room, I’ve tried hard not to sleep. I’ve felt that I should stay awake and keep watch. I also really didn’t trust my sub-conscious. I’m not stupid enough to think that I’ve never slept but thankfully I never slept long enough to dream or at least never long enough to remember them.</p><p>However, we recently decided that it was time we slept in actual beds. Rachel was complaining of bad back which was alarming as she’s a literal child. Rachel has now officially moved into Wynonna’s room. I told her she wouldn’t mind although I am kind of excited to watch them fight it out. I reluctantly moved back into your, our, room. I had to hide the picture of us that was by the bed. I took the one that was on the sideboard downstairs. The one of you. I’m not sure who took it but it’s perfect. Being constantly reminded of what it was like when we were together was a bit much but I want all the reminders of your face I can get. Now that I have my own room, it’s felt that I’ve had less of a reason to stay up or perhaps the sleep deprivation has caught up with me but I keep finding myself waking up in a sweaty, shivering mess. I’m almost glad you’re not here to see it. I’ve had nightmares since I was a kid but these are like nothing else. I’m terrified that I cry out but I’m too scared to ask Rachel if she hears anything. I don’t want to give her any reason to see just how close I am to falling apart. In fact, if it wasn’t for her, I think it would have happened months ago.</p><p>Sorry. I’m surviving, just about but I am so thankful I’m not completely alone. Rachel’s so young and so hopeful so I can’t make things any harder for her than they are already. I’m ok. I promise. I have no choice to be anything but.</p><p>Nicole x</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">Day Three Hundred and Sixty-Five</span>
</p><p>Dear Waverly,</p><p>Can you believe it’s been a year? Do you even know it’s been a year? I still don’t know how time works in The Garden of Eden. None of your books seemed to have any answers. I re-read the first couple of letters I wrote you and I can’t believe how naive they seem. I was so sure you’d be back in a couple of weeks and now it’s a year and there’s still no sign of you. I lie awake or I wander around The Homestead trying to picture you up there. In darker moments, the image of you gets hazy and I see you trapped in some void - not unlike Doc’s well - stuck between here and there. I hope feeling stuck in the in-between is a privilege reserved only for me. I am in Purgatory after all. If I hadn’t fallen through that grate and broken my leg, I could have been there with you. I’m sure Doc and Wynonna are doing all they can but I just feel so lost and helpless without you here. Things are getting worse and not just because I really miss you.</p><p>Nicole</p><p>
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  </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    <b>Month 14</b>
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</p><p>
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  </strong>
  <span class="u">Day Four Hundred</span>
</p><p>Dear Waverly,</p><p>I keep hearing your voice. I’ll be sat on the couch and I can almost feel you snuggling into me and whispering in my ear. I start at every gust of wind or creak of a door. I know that Rachel’s noticed. I can’t decide if the noises scare me or excite me. They could be the sound of yet another monster or it could be you, finally coming home.</p><p>I lie in bed imagining that your body’s there, pressed against me but your blankets don’t smell of you any more and the bed never feels quite warm enough. I sometimes wonder if I’m going crazy. You’re always there in the corner of my eye but when I turn to look properly, it’s always something else. If this is madness, I think I’m ready to embrace it. Anything to have you back.</p><p>Nicole x</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">Day Four Hundred and Fifteen</span>
</p><p>Dear Waverly,</p><p>It’s taken over a year but I’ve finally got Rachel to watch ‘Golden Girls’. We ran out of Baking Show episodes ages ago and we started to tire of rewatching them and the wi-fi’s so unpredicatable that we’ve had to go old school and watch a box set. Thankfully I picked up the DVDs the last time I went to my place. I try hard not to look at her when we watch it. I genuinely think I’d be heartbroken if I saw her on her phone or yawning (like you) whilst we watched it.</p><p>I’m not sure she quite understood my obsession with it but it was comforting to revisit. I really needed something to escape into. I know it was never really your thing but it would have been all the better with you fidgeting alongside me. I still keep feeling you next to me or hearing your voice but I can never manage to catch the words you’re saying.</p><p>Nicole X</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Part 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Well over a year has passed and Waverly is still nowhere to be seen. Just as Nicole’s about to give up all hope, things start to turn around but at what cost?</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>18 months, 3 weeks and 4 days and Nicole's letters have come to an end. Thank you everyone who's got this far and I hope - in some way - I've done it justice!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>
    <b>Month 15</b>
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  </strong>
</p><p>
  <span class="u">Day Four Hundred and Twenty-Eight</span>
</p><p>Dear Waverly,</p><p>I realised I haven’t told you much about what’s going on beyond The Homestead in a while. Having said that, I can’t remember the last time I went anywhere other than The Homestead. When it comes to getting supplies, I send Rachel. I think she also meets up with her maybe boyfriend. I feel bad for making a kid do the work for me but she’s pretty anonymous when she goes in and besides, you’d have to be the worst kind of asshole to give a sixteen your old any hassle. Me on the other hand, I’m the red head who couldn’t hold down the sheriff position. Or the crazy ginger bitch. I guess I just get tired of all the talking behind my back and seeing the people I used to know refuse to meet my eye. And the bodies. I still can’t shake the sense that all that mob justice is somehow my fault. If I’d have held onto the sheriff position, I really could have clamped down on all the hangings. I know If you were here, you’d tell me how silly that sounds, that none of this is my fault but I’m not sure that now that I’d be able to believe you.</p><p>Nicole x</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">Day Four Hundred and Forty-One</span>
</p><p>Dear Waverly,</p><p>Did I tell you I finished all of your books? There are a lot of them so it feels like quite the achievement. At least I read all of the ones with stories. I still haven’t touched the history of cattle branding. I even found one of your old year books. Of course you were valedictorian and on the cheerleading squad. If this was a teen movie, I’d feel compelled to hate you but instead I’m just really proud of you even if you were dating Champ at the time. I guess teenaged you couldn’t be entirely perfect.</p><p>I think I’m going to end up reading all of your books again. I can’t quite believe it. Of all the things to have happened when you were away, me becoming a bookworm would be pretty low down on the list of possibilities. The power keeps going so it’s all there is to do a lot of the time. That or play Monopoly (which I have still haven’t won yet…) Fortunately the days are getting longer so I can read by sunlight. Or by candle. Just how Jane Austen would have intended.</p><p>Nicole x</p><p>
  <span class="u">Day Four Hundred and Fifty-Two</span>
</p><p>Dear Waverly,</p><p>Our monster keeps coming back. We thought he had gone but now it looks like he was just hibernating or something because now the weather’s nicer, he’s back. We’ve been setting more and more traps but they haven’t put him off. It’s starting to feel like he’s targeting me personally. Rachel has been asking around in town and whilst everyone knows exactly what she’s talking about, nobody has been singled out in the way that we have. Sometimes he gets close enough for me to see his eyes and there are flashes when it feels like we know each other. But he’s a monster. He threatens us and the safety of The Homestead so I have to keep pushing back. Now, I never go anywhere without a shotgun but no matter how many times I shoot, I never manage to hit him. I know it’s not because I’m a bad shot and I’ve checked the gun time and time again. Every time I line up to shoot, I see those eyes and they seem so familiar and I’m starting to think I miss on purpose.</p><p>Nicole x</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <b>Month 16</b>
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  <span class="u">Day Four Hundred and Sixty</span>
</p><p>Dear Waverly,</p><p>I haven’t really written about this properly but by now, it’s long overdue. It’s well over a year since you left which mean it’s over a year since you proposed. That means it’s over a year since I missed the opportunity to say yes. I should have been quicker. I didn’t need to say anything about the ring. I just needed to say yes. I wish you were up there knowing that for sure I want to marry you. You mean everything to me and I can’t imagine anything more perfect than getting to be your wife and I’m so scared that that’s never going to happen. If you hadn’t gone to The Garden, we could have been married by now. I’m not one to prolong an engagement (that might not be a joke you appreciate) and I think a year would have been plenty of time for us to put together a kick-ass wedding. The Homestead looks beautiful in the summer. Our wedding would be perfect here.</p><p>I know you’re the planner but I’ve had a lot of thinking time and I’m really starting to have a clear idea of what I want our wedding to be like and I can’t wait to share my thoughts with you and for you to tell me all your ideas that are way better. I don’t want to write them here. I feel it’s something that should really only be done in person. I just can’t handle the possibility that that might never happen.</p><p>Nicole x</p><p>
  <span class="u">Day Four Hundred and Seventy-One</span>
</p><p>Dear Waverly,</p><p>I’ve been DVR-ing all of Property Brothers but it got filled up a long time ago. I hope it’s actually recorded them because the signal’s been less than shitty. I deleted all of the other shows but it still got filled up. You’ve certainly got a lot of catching up to do (in more ways than one) when you get back. Rachel was pretty pissed because some of the shows I deleted were hers but I think she understood the importance. Maybe. Doc will be pleased too. I know he likes to have it on when he does housework. But don’t tell him I know that.</p><p>I have to keep talking about you to Rachel. I’m sure she must be sick of all the stories but she never says even though I’m definitely repeating myself now. I guess she just feels sorry for me. She’s not the only one. She knows the entire chronology of us from that time in Shorty’s with the taps up until the proposal. I even told her about Shae and the Rosita incident so she really has the full story. She said that those two things balance out which was reassurance I didn’t know I needed. I’m scared that if I stop talking, I might start forgetting. By talking, I can keep us going and it’ll make it like you’ve never been away when you come back. I don’t want to find we’ve lost all the good stuff in the time we’ve been apart. This time has to be coming to an end soon. Talking about you really isn’t enough.</p><p>Nicole x</p><p> </p><p>
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    <b>Month 17</b>
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  <span class="u">Day Four Hundred and Eighty-Nine</span>
</p><p>Dear Waverly,</p><p>Rachel has pretty much made Wynonna’s room her own. Every now and then she seems to remember it’s not actually hers and I’ll see a flash of panic when she talks about going to her room and she’ll immediately correct herself. Wynonna won’t mind though, I keep telling her that. She trusted Rachel to get me out of the BBD facility and she did a pretty great job of that so I think the least she deserves is her own room. It’s not like she had much stuff anyway to really make a difference to Wynonna’s particular aesthetic.</p><p>I’m still in your room although I’m back to trying not to sleep. The nightmares are horrendous. I didn’t even think it would be possible for them to get worse but they’ve managed it. Every time I close my eyes, horrifying images flood in of you and Doc and Wynonna having the worst things imaginable done to you and there’s nothing I can do but watch. I can’t even close my eyes to block them out. I just need to be able to see you, to feel you in my arms and I’ll be able to catch my breath. That better happen soon because I’m starting to really feel like I’m drowning under the weight of it all.</p><p>Nicole x</p><p>
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    <b>Month 18</b>
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  <span class="u">Day Five Hundred and Twenty</span>
</p><p>Dear Waverly,</p><p>It’s taken me a long time to work my way up to writing this letter. I haven’t wanted to really admit just how bad things have got. I hardly leave The Homestead now. I’m terrified that if I leave, even for a moment, that we’ll be raided and I’ll lose everything. Or you’ll come back and I won’t be here and I’ll miss you and you’ll just disappear again. All I can do is patrol the perimeter and check all the traps because if I stop, everything will fall apart.</p><p>Rachel has become the adult. She makes sure we have food and supplies. She goes into Purgatory for news and she offers to take over the patrol and gets me to eat and try to rest but it’s so hard to stay still. I need to keep looking so I can see you if you come back and so I can fight off everything that’s trying to get us. It’s not the job of a sixteen year old to fight. It’s certainly not the job of a sixteen year old to be taking care of a fully grown adult former sheriff but that is the situation she has found herself in. I wonder if she wishes she was back in the BBD with her rat friends. I bet they never gave her as many issues as I do.</p><p>It’s hard to believe I was the sheriff once. That person seems such a distant memory to almost seem like fiction. I was so together. I could think about more than one thing at a time. I could relax. I could feel happy but now I’m not sure that I’ll ever get back that place.</p><p>Nicole x</p><p>
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    <b>Month 19</b>
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  <span class="u">Day Five Hundred and Fifty-Eight</span>
</p><p>Dear Waverly,</p><p>It’s Wynonna’s birthday again. I couldn’t bring myself to write when it was your birthday. Even last year, it seemed impossible to think that I wouldn’t spend your birthday with you and now I’ve missed two.</p><p>Rachel insisted on making a cake. She really doesn’t need an excuse to make one. It seems that she’s either patrolling the perimeter or baking. Thankfully it wasn’t a kombucha cake. She’d obviously clocked that we’d missed our birthdays but she’d kept track of when yours and Wynonna’s came around again and she insisted we celebrate them instead. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that that’s the last thing I want to do. The cake’s looking at me as I write and it’s truly an incredible cake but all I want to do is smash it against a wall. There’s nothing I want to celebrate right now. There’s nothing that seems worth celebrating without you. I feel bad for Rachel. She’s trying so hard to keep things going and I’m doing absolutely nothing to help with that.</p><p>Nicole x</p><p>
  <span class="u">Day Five Hundred and Sixty-Nine</span>
</p><p>Dear Waverly,</p><p>I’ve done something terrible but if it hasn’t worked, then I guess you’ll never find out. If it has worked, I have no idea how I’m going to explain it to you.</p><p>There’ve been rumours for ages about someone who can make things happen but the rumours also make it clear that her prices are high. Almost too high. I always trusted that you’d come back of your own accord but after eighteen months, I figured something must have gone wrong. There’s no way you’d stay away for this long voluntarily.</p><p>I managed to track her down. It was hard enough leaving The Homestead. Rachel did a terrible job of hiding her surprise but I think she was just glad I’d found a purpose again. I found her. This woman who I was told would help me. She was cruel. She mocked me and claimed she wouldn’t do it. She forced me to beg her but I would do anything to have you back. Even what I’ve promised to do. I didn’t really have any other choice. I have to believe that you’re still out there and you’re still alive. I can’t not believe that because otherwise I really would break. And if you’re alive you’re out there somewhere but you must be trapped and she offered the one last chance I have of bringing you back. I just hope you’ll forgive me.</p><p>Nicole x</p><p>
  <span class="u">The Last Letter</span>
</p><p>Dear Waverly,</p><p>I honestly can’t believe it. And I’m not sure I’m ever going to be able to look at the stairs in the same way again. I always hoped you would come back but eighteen months, three weeks and four days is a fucking long time. It’s also hard to keep hope going in the midst of so much chaos and uncertainty. But here you are. Next to me. I can feel your warmth; your breath is soft against my arm as I sit and write this. I’m not sure I’m ready to go to sleep even though we made it upstairs to bed eventually. I’m scared that when I wake, you won’t be here any more. You seem so real but I’ve dreamt of this moment for such a long time that I fear that you’re just a very vivid hallucination as I finally succumb to madness. I hope you’re ready to keep having to prove that you’re real.</p><p>I wish we could just stay in this moment forever, make a fort of this bedroom and stay here. I don’t want to have to explain the traps to you or show you what’s happened to Shorty’s. In this room, with you, it feels like the world can never reach us. I just hope I can keep it out. But for now, I’m just going to enjoy this, enjoy you. And maybe one day you’ll read all these letters.</p><p>Nicole x</p><p> </p>
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